A Heavy Heart

Today I hurt.
Both physically and emotionally.
Sunday I hurt by back somehow. I have spent the last 2 days trying to take it easy.

Then this morning I received a text from a dear friend. They are on vacation, and their youngest daughter hasn't been feeling well. They thought it wasn't anything serious, but she continued to get worse. So this morning they took her to the ER.
The text that followed were the kind that you never want to get.
Doesn't look good the Doctor is worried.
Doctors are doing blood work.
Testing for leukemia.
It may be something else. Not sure what it is though.
"I'm trying not to freak out."
"Don't worry girl, I will freak out enough for both of us. You stay strong."
Good news. Initial blood work looks good for it not being leukemia.
But it can't be ruled out.
They are moving her to a children's hospital for more testing.

And so throughout the morning I paced my house. It hurts to walk, but it hurts to sit too. Sitting is not keeping busy, and my mind would wander and worry. So I paced and cleaned waiting for the next text to come in. Constantly praying that the doctors were able to rule the worst case scenarios out.

A tearful phone call from my friends Mother. The hope that it is something not as serious as originally thought, but will still need lots of treatment.

Moments of falling to my knees and praying for this family and their little girl.

Prayer is not my spiritual gift. It took Matthew months, maybe even years, to get me to even say a blessing at dinner. I don't feel like it do it well or the right way, as if you can pray the wrong way.

Finley is slightly unaware of what it going on. She keeps asking why I am sad. I try telling her. She says OK and moves on. I guess that is the beauty of childhood, they don't dwell or worry like we do as adults. They are unaware of the pains of this world. As I tell her, her friend is sick she tells me she will be OK.

Then as I pace the hallway looking for something else to do to keep myself busy, Finley fell and hurt herself. I sat down on the floor and pulled her into my lap and held her. She started to cry for her friend, as she does when she is hurt or in trouble. Because friends are able to make things better in a way that even Mommy can't. Hearing her tiny voice cry out for her friend made my cry. Heavy and hard, ugly tears. I ugly cried, because in those moments I don't think you can cry any other way. I sat there and thanked God for my daughter and her health. I thanked him for this family, what a blessing and encouragement they have been for us. I prayed that we could be those things for them now. I prayed the way only a mother can pray for a child. I let out a cry from my heart. The kind that has no words, but you know God hears it and understands it.

I am praying for our friends as they are out of town on vacation, not near their family or support system. Trusting doctors they don't know, but also trusting a God they do know.

dotMOM

Wow! What an awesome weekend we had at the dotMOM conference! I think I heard that there was somewhere around 2000 women! That is a lot of estrogen in one place, but it was awesome!

 Today has been the first day that I have felt recovered from the whirl wind 3 days of the conference and our Sunday service.

There were large group times full of worship lead by Lauren Chandler (a.maz.ing!) and fantastic speakers.

Each day had 2 breakout sessions. It was so hard to pick which ones to go to. I need way more then just 4 breakout sessions. I also needed some of the classes to be presented more then just once. I hated to miss some of them. They all looked so good. I walked away with so much to bring home and do with my family.

There was lots of laughter and tears. There were good tear, and thankful tears, and tears of hurt hearing some of the people speak. You could see God was moving in this place and it was so wonderful to watch!

Heidi and I looked at each other at the end and at the same time said "We are coming back next year!" Which it will be in Nashville. So that means an even more awesome girls weekend away to plan! (Krystal would come too... but you know she will be living in another country as a missionary. So I don't think she will be able to make it. Sadness that she wont be there. But joyfulness that she will living out God's plan for her and her family!)

 

 

We did end up staying at a Chattanooga ChooChoo. We stayed up until 2 am and prob could have kept going, but I am glad we decided to finally turn the lights out. We had a 7:30 am wake up call in order for 3 females to be fully dressed and make-uped and back at the conference center by 9:30! We were only about 15 minutes late with Starbucks in hand! So not too shabby....

The conference ended at about 4:30 and we left right from there and headed to the YMCA to start the set up for the service the next morning.

The statement no rest for the weary has never spoken more truth then it did this past weekend. I hit my wall about 2:30 in the afternoon and was running on caffeine and will power!

The service Sunday went great! I have now been able to make it upstairs to 2 services (out of 7). We are starting to get a really great group of college girls that are wanting to love on our babies and kids and teach them God's word. Which is awesome, because it allows me to go to service. So thank you ladies! Y'all are the best!

We are now on our 10 day count down until we leave for Nepal. We have test packed our packs and are under weight. Always a good thing. It means we get to bring back some cool things!

Training is still going on. I think we are coming to a close on it soon though and I am excited about that. Hopefully by the time we get back we will be fully live on the new system!

Well it is late and we have co-op in the morning!

Fasting and Quinoa

How do these two things go together? Well I will tell you...

This past week our family and the Hicks family decided to fast while we wait for word about a location for the new church. We are kind of at a stand still until we know where we are going to be. So as a way to focus our prayers we all decided to fast. 

For the first 3 days (Monday - Wednesday) we all fasted different things. I can't speak for what the Hicks fasted, but Matthew fasted all food - just juice for 3 days. (He is way more hardcore then I am!) I chose to fast diet coke. 

If you know me, then you know this is a big deal! I don't start my day without a diet coke in hand! The first day went fine, but by the end of the night I could feel myself starting to go into caffeine withdrawal.  Tuesday was the worst day, I was agitated all day and had a headache. I also felt very tired all day. Wednesday was better. But all I could think about was how I got to break the fast at dinner that night with a diet coke (enter time to pray - whenever you feel the urge for whatever you are fasting you are suppose to replace that with prayer.) Then starting last night our family is doing a no meat and no dairy fast. So basically we are becoming vegans for an undetermined amount of time. Which is hard then you think! I have been looking up recipes to try and all though most don't have meat, they do have cheese or milk or cream. 

I am kind of excited for this challenge. We sometimes get in a food-rut and I start making the same 7 things over and over. So this will push us outside of our comfort zone to try new things. And for me, it will push me to try new stuff. 

I would consider myself a meat-a-tarian. I like meat. I eat meat with just about every meal. Meat is yummy. 

I do not like a ton of veggies. I don't eat salad, or pretty much anything leafy. I have a hand full of veggies that I will eat and that is about it. So this should be fun!

So what does this have to do with Quinoa? 

Well last night for dinner that was one of the things we ate to break our fast. I got some last summer on a whim, just trying to add something different into a meals. Matthew was a bit iffy about trying it, but now he loves it! So does Finley! That is usually the first thing she eats and then cries because it is all gone. I love hearing her say "I want more qui-noa!" I have a texture issue, so although I think it tastes good the texture will start to get to me after a little while. 

If you have not tried quinoa before, I would recommend you getting some and trying it out. It is really good for you and is tasty! Go look it up - quinoa is all the rage! 

So here is how I make my quinoa.

Lime and Cilantro Quinoa

2 cups stock (veggie or chicken - I usually use chicken, but if you are a vegetarian you can use veggie)
1 cup quinoa
Handful of cilantro - chopped
1 lime zest and juice
Salt and pepper

1) Add the stock and quinoa to a small pot and bring to a boil. You cook it just like you would rice. So as the liquid gets absorbed make sure you are watching it, because it can burn and stick fast.
2) Once the liquid is absorbed and the quinoa is cooked, move it to a bowl.
3) Chop the cilantro and add to the quinoa. Then add the lime zest and juice. Depending on how much you like the lime taste, you can squeeze more or less juice. I usually use the whole lime, especially if it is small.
4) Add salt and pepper to taste. Then serve!

I hope you enjoy it! I know my family does!

my word. Faith.

This is will be my last post from this home. From this town. My heart is breaking a little bit this morning. I've fallen in love with this place we have called home for the last 6 years and I will be forever changed by the people that have come into our lives.

When we moved here we didn't know anyone but family. But over the course of time we have made some very deep and long lasting relationships here.

We were saved here and this town and this church  and our friends will always be apart of my heart.

I follow another blog, CaseyLeigh (http://www.thewiegands.com/). She has an amazing blog that is full of inspiration. A few days ago she made a post about her word for this year. I've been thinking about this for a few days and have come up with my word for 2013.

my word is Faith.

I have never done anything this big before. I have never put myself out there like this.

I've had people ask, "Well, what if this fails?" and I respond "What if it doesn't? We will never know unless we try."

Our family is taking a huge leap of faith this year. We are pulling up our roots and going to plant them some where else. This is something we never thought we would do. We saw ourselves living here forever. But God's plan is bigger then our plan. I can look back at the events of the last few years and I can now see how we were being led to this moment and every moment after this. We went through some really hard times, but if it wasn't for those hard times I don't think we would be where and who we are today.

We are moving before we really know what we are doing. We have ideas and thoughts about how this should go. But that doesn't mean it will work the way we want it to. This past weekend, our friend Daniel preached about being ready. He played a clip about never really being ready. The clip mentions this idea of life being like driving a car at night. We can't see what is past the headlights, but we can make the journey anyway. God knows what is past those headlights for us, we just have to be along for the ride! The sudden turns and hills up ahead will not be a surprise to God. He knows they are coming and we just need to focus on what is in our headlights right now.

So here is to a year full of Faith!

Questions....

Back in September, the company that Matthew works for did a round of layoffs. There were 2 people in his department, him and another guy. They laid off the other guy. This got us asking some questions.

Will he be next?

Does he need to get his resume together and start getting it out there?

Are we willing to move?

How far are we willing to move?

All the normal questions that run through your head when something like this hits so close to home.

It was the next night, some dear friends of ours had us over for dinner and told us some amazing news! They would be moving after the first of the year to Chattanooga, TN. and they would be starting a new church in the area. As we were talking about their plans they asked us a life changing question....

"Would you consider going with us?"

We left their house that night saying we would talk about it and pray about it and see where God was leading us. Doing this meant pulling up our roots where we live now. It means leaving our family and close friends. I spent most of Saturday crying, not because I didn't want to go, but because I was afraid we were going to hurt the people closest to us. We also spent a lot of that weekend asking a bunch of new questions.

Should we do it?

Is it the right move for our family?

What about the rest of our family?

What about our friends?

What about our church?

What about a job?

How can we afford this?

Is this really what God wants us to do?

All of these questions and so much more started to run through our heads. But we both felt very sure of our answer and what God wanted from us.

That Sunday, we said yes.

During our first round of discussion, Matthew and I had come to the agreement that if this is what God wants from us he will provide the means to do it. For me that meant and job and insurance for Matthew. A job that offered more then he was currently making, mostly due to the fact that I would not be working anymore. And it would offer better insurance then his current job offers, which our current insurance is HORRIBLE!

Matthew started to apply that Monday. For the first few months we were in a place of waiting. He was applying and wasn't getting any responses. Or if he did get a response it was to say they weren't interested or had filled the position. This was a bit discouraging for me. We felt like this is what God wanted from us, but we weren't getting anywhere with it. At the same time, I had to keep telling myself that God had something better planned for us. And he did. 

I did have a worry about his trying to look for a new job while possibly being in a third world country for 2 weeks. Without even realizing it until after it all happened, God answered my worries with keeping things still until Matthew got home.

The week before Thanksgiving, Matthew got his first phone call for an interview with a company. Over the next 2 weeks he spoke to them several times and had a face to face interview. Then we waited again, for over a week for a response. Finally this past week they called and made an offer. After some back and forth about salary, there was finally an offer that everyone was happy with and Matthew accepted.

He has a start date of January 7th. If things go well and we are able to find a house quickly, we could be moving up there the weekend of January 5th and 6th!

The hardest part of this whole process has been keeping it a secret. A few family and friends knew, but we kept it under wraps from most of our family until Matthew had an actual interview. So we made the announcement over Thanksgiving. As for everyone else, we kept it secret until he had an actual offer. So we just started to tell everyone else yesterday.

We had several reasons for not telling people right away. The first was, what if we don't go right away? What if it is 6 months or a year after our friends that we end up going up there? We didn't want to tell people we were leaving without knowing when we were going. The second was, his boss goes to our church. We didn't want word getting back to him before Matthew had the chance to tell him. 

But God is amazing and has provided everything we will need for the adventure! We are so very excited about doing this with friends that we love so much! 

Now comes the really stressful part! Finding a new home and moving during Christmas while hosting 2 holiday dinners! Wish me luck! 

Let the whirl wind begin!

Big changes are coming....

I'm not suppose to say anything. I promised. And as much as I hate vague posts, I am going to post one. Also, since I am pretty sure no one reads this, it wont really matter anyway. None the less.... there will be no details, just my thoughts and feelings.

We recently got some big news from some close friends. Some very big and exciting news. Turns out this news involves us too. The Hubs and I are having to make huge decisions for our family. Decisions that will change not just the 3 of us, but our entire family. Decisions that are being made without the input and advice of very close family and friends.

I think about this aspect of what is going on and it makes sense. If we are going through with this, then it is time to grow up and make decisions on our own. We can't run to our parents every time something big is happening and ask them what we should do.

We are adults, and we have a family of our own and it is time to branch out on our own.

We are pretty sure we have made up our minds. We both feel that God is pointing us in a certain way and we are willing to walk the path he has put in front of us. It is very exciting, and very scary at the same time.

The hardest part is not being able to talk to anyone about it, because I am a talker. I get news and I am calling anyone that will listen. When we found out we were pregnant, we said we wouldn't tell anyone until after the first doctors visit. As soon as the Hubs left, I called my sister. So not saying anything is KILLING me! We have seen my parents, and his dad and stepmom (and actually... they do know, but have been sworn to secrecy too), our community group and close friends. There have been long awkward silences that I just want to bust out and tell everyone. But I can't. It was hard last night to sit at our community group and when asked if there were any prayer request to not say anything. Friends are being cordial and asking the typical question when you see them, "How are things going?" and "What's going on with y'all?" and I have to respond "Oh you know... the normal..." When things aren't normal at all. I am also pretty sure our community group leaders know, but since they have also been sworn to secrecy we spend our time together not talking about what we all want to talk about. It is very awkward.

These are exciting changes for our family. And one minute I am thrilled and excited, the next doubt creeps in and I start to ask the "What if's?" and "What about's?" I can start to give more info in a few weeks, when the cat is totally out of the bag about our friends plans. The Hubs doesn't want to say anything until we have our plans set. I'm not so sure this is a good idea, especially dealing with family.

But we are ready to do this. We are ready to set out on this adventure.

So let's do this!

******************************

On a more up beat note.... Fall is on it's way!

I can see it in the trees, smell it in the air. The mornings are staying darker for longer and the sun is setting earlier. School is in and football is starting. We have talk of a cold front moving through in the next few days. Which for Georgia in September means we will be in the mid to high 80's. I have already started to burn my pumpkin scented candles, because I just couldn't wait any longer and I am counting the days until I can pull out my fall decor. Which is 14 days, by the way. I refuse to put fall decor out until the first day of fall. I also refuse to put Christmas stuff out and play Christmas music until the day after Thanksgiving. I have Little's Halloween costume planned, I just need to start picking up supplies to make it. I am super excited about the season change. Fall is my absolute favorite time of year. I come alive when the air becomes crisp and cool and the leave crunch under my feet. It means walks in the afternoon to the park, and sitting out on the porch swing watching to sun go down (without sweating). It means hot coffee in the morning and hot tea in the evening. I've already started working on some fall crafts and can't wait to post about them!

We have a lot going on this fall. The Hubs is gone this weekend, he will be home for 2 weekends and then camping again the weekend after that. He will then be home for 1 more weekend and then leave for his second trip to Nepal. He will be gone for 3 weekends (Saturday to Saturday - 14 days). I'm not sure how Little's will do with him being gone that long. Last year I didn't think she would understand, but she did. Around day 4 of 10 she started to have a hard time going to sleep and would cry for her Daddy. Which was kind of big for her, since up until that point she really didn't want anything to do with him.  She has a hard time now going to sleep if he isn't here to help put her to bed. I have no idea what 14 days without him are going to be like. At least this year we will have more regular contact. Where as last year, once the group headed into the village we had no more contact with the guys that went until they got back into the city. So prayers are very welcome for the guys that are going again this year!

Well the weekend starts tomorrow! I hope everyone has a great time!

Busy but Chill... is that possible?

Can you be busy and chill at the same time? I don't know... but that is how this weekend seemed to go. We had a friend down Saturday so the Hubby could help him with his car, but we didn't go anywhere or do anything. I played with Finley and cleaned the house a bit. I was FINALLY able to wash and dry clothes, so laundry that has been piling up for a week got done. We went to church on Saturday night as a family. Which is kind of rare, since Matthew is usually gone at some point during the weekend and I serve in the nursery on Sunday mornings. Sunday was spent taking care of some lovely babies. So much for a drop in numbers during the summer! We have actually had an increase in babies. Which is awesome, but kind of stressful when I'm not sure I will have enough volunteers. I was able to attend a meeting for our winter mission trips. I have been thinking about going to India on a medical mission trip in February. I think it will be a lot of fun, but a lot of work. My biggest worry is being away from Finley for 10 days over seas. I know she will be taken care of wonderfully by our family that would be more then willing to help. But I worry about being that far away from her for that long. That is the only thing holding me back from jumping in feet first. It's amazing how your perspective changes once you have a child. I use to have thoughts like, "What if the plane crashes?" And just the thought of the plane crashing would freak me out. Now I have thoughts like, "What if the plane crashes and I die? Now my daughter will not have a mother and I wont get to see and help her grow up!" Which will send me into a full panic attack. (Yes, I am that crazy... and that is mild thought.... they get much worse and more detailed then that.) But I guess that is the point of this trip, to step out on faith and trust that God  has a plan that is better then my unfounded nightmares. So, much prayer is happening and needed for my decision, which needs to happen soon! The application deadline in the 1st of August! 

While I was at the church, Matthew and Finley got to spend some daddy-daughter time together. They went for a little walk along a local river in the morning, then headed over to the in-laws for some family time. They went out to see Matthew's great uncle who lives in a nursing home for his birthday. Matthew said she had a great time and was really sweet to everyone. I was able to spend the rest of the afternoon at home in some peace and quiet. I was able to get some planning done and am getting ready for the school year to start! Also, there was some relaxing. Days without the baby are rare, and although I should be cleaning, I typically end up sitting down and reading a book or watching TV. :) 

I have 4 days until the mommy makeover! I have errands to run and things to do this week! 

Here is to a safe surgery and a quick recovery!

Happy Birthdays!

This past week has been very busy (April usually is for us with all the birthdays and Easter)! We had 2 birthday parties last weekend. Then Wednesday was my birthday. My wonderful husband surprised me this year with a very thoughtful gift. Last September we spent a week in the Finger Lakes of New York for our 5 year wedding anniversary. On one of the days we were there we did a wine tour and I fell in love with one of the wineries up there. So for my birthday he ordered a case of my 2 favorite types of wine. *Notice the already open bottle ;)* If you are ever in the area of Lake Seneca, I defiantly recommend do the wine tour and trying the Hazlett Winerey! 

Then on Thursday my husband took the day off of work to spend with us. We weren't sure what to do, but after much thought on my part, we decided to go hike Amicalola Falls in North Georgia.

 We had a wonderful time spending the day as a family and talking about how wonderful God was. We explained to Finley that God made the falls for us to enjoys.

 She really seemed to like to watch the water come over the edge.

This was a sweet moment I was able to catch of Finley and her daddy! I think this is one of my favorites from the day!

Well today is D-day! Today is the day of the big birthday party! Everything is made and ready to go. I have to finish washing a few things and we will be set. I am still praying for no rain today. We have a 30% chance.  I am hopeing it will hold off until later this afternoon. 

*Pictures of the party and everything I made coming soon!*

I don't want to raise a good child....

My day starts out every morning by rolling over and checking my phone for new emails and text messages. I have several friends that will send devotionals out if they think it is of some use to us other moms. This morning I got one that hit close to home.

If you asked me to describe Finley, I would say

She is sweet.

She is loving.

She is strong willed.

She doesn't like to share.

She doesn't eat.

She loves animals.

and She hates to be contained!

Sometimes these qualities can be frustrating. Especially the strong willed one. I can't put her in her carseat, she wants to do it. I can't buckle her anymore, she wants to do it. I can't put her shoes on her, she wants to do it and she doesn't want to wear the ones I picked out. She hates being contained. Which can make errands and grocery shopping hard and long. I sometimes get frustrated and upset that she isn't just sitting there quietly while I do what I need to do.

Enter this article....

http://devotions.proverbs31.org/2012/03/i-dont-want-to-raise-a-good-child.html

Today I will be thankful for those strong willed qualities in my child. I will also pray that she holds onto those. So when she is faced with decisions that all teenagers have to face (drugs, sex, alcohol, etc...) she will continue to be strong willed and say NO!

Sometimes we need a reminder that our strong willed children today will grow to be strong willed adults for God tomorrow.